Two men were to be hung from a bridge over a deep river. The two condemned men were trussed up with their nooses and the sheriff pushed the first man off the bridge. As the man fell, the noose slipped over his head and he plummeted into the water below. The sheriff and the other prisoner watched as he swam to shore and ran off. Shaken, the second condemned man turned to the sheriff and said "Please check my noose to make sure it is tight, for I can't swim."
A man was on his deathbed while his wife was maintaining a vigil by his side. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."
He was insistent. "Dear," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," she replied. "Everything's all right, just go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace with this confession. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."
"I know," his wife replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
An artist was called in by the gallery owner who was exhibiting his work.
"I've got good news and bad news for you!" The gallery owner told him.
"What's the good news?" the artists asked.
"I sold every one of your paintings!" The gallery owner responded.
The artist smiled broadly. The gallery owner shook his head and continued.
"Of course, the bad news is that I sold them all to your doctor."
Tombstone inscription in a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallenstein wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Walking home after a Halloween party, two young men decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery for a thrill. They both stopped abruptly when they heard a mysterious tap-tap-tapping noise in the shadows. Their eyes grew large until the mist cleared and they saw an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping at one of the headstones.
"Geez, mister!" one of them exclaimed. "You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
The old man replied angrily, "Those darn fools misspelled my name!"
Last Words of the Condemned:
"Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel." ~~ George Appel, d. 1928 Executed in electric chair in New York.
"How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? French fries." ~~ James French, d. 1966 Executed in electric chair in Oklahoma.
You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper. ~~ Robert Alton Harris, d. April 21, 1992 Executed in California's gas chamber.
A doctor, a chemist, and an engineer were sentenced to die on the same day. The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"
"Head up," said the doctor.
So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.
Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.
So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. So the chemist was set free.
Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?"
So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:
"WAIT! I see what the problem is!".